Mute realizations...

I believe, the biggest battle I will ever fight- would be with my own self, all along with my limitations that I have built around my own self.. my own ideas... my own griefs....

And the biggest victory of all would be when I would truly be able to take a plunge into something unknown...knowing full well that it is my fears that are holding me back so far...Just taking that plunge will be extra-ordinary enuf... each time... untill it becomes a habit..

And the hardest thing is to acknowledge your own fears... untill their intensity blinds you..... and yet hear the small voice inside that questions, the whole point of the fear's existence..

(I know this seems like rambling...but ....)

-i

Mirror! Mirror ...on the wall....

One of the hardest thing to do I believe, is to come face to face with your own shortcomings. . .Or getting to that level of deeper self understanding, and realizing that everything you believed to be true about yourself so far, turns out to be so wrong!!..(.and on so many different levels)...Its like a splash of icy cold water stinging the eyes and making it impossible to look in the mirror.Drenched, shivering ashamed, avoiding any eye contact.I was recently in a mess like that...faced with my own absurdity, inadequacy and I dont like the bitter tastin,shocking truth... I don't like it.I don't like the way it makes my body go numb, my breathing labored and my heart fall into the pit of my stomach.At one point,I really did want to crawl into a pit and die.All the bad adjectives that I had used to describe "dysfunctional" individuals, now fit appropriately...on ME...and I know that its gonna take quite some time for me to make my head stop reeling, every time I think of it...

But..

Whats the damn use of beating myself up? Right...? Even though I am floating in a miserable no-where land...limbo whatever, right now..I really am desperately trying the reach that place of mute, confident acceptance of these shortcomings.Next stop of course would be dealing-with-it.Before I methodically destroy everything that is near and dear to me,with my own hands.Till then of course I will still affirm,that I cant remember the last time I was in this foul mood and felt this shitty.And its also a very harsh reminder of how hard it is, to dance to your own tune.Time to prove,by doing. DAMN! I reasoned that I can probably lie to myself and fool myself this one more time too...like that very first time I failed miserably...Right? Blame this..blame that..blame him..blame her! But if it happens again, in the exact same way... who would I be really kidding?? And to gain what? More failure patterns?

I can say right now that shouldering complete and sole responsibility of anything and everything that happens in life,IS the HARDEST thing to do..the worst battle to venture in. Because then comes the ugly realization that you yourself are in fact,your own worst enemy.

But its worth it.I mean, I truly hope so,that in the end it will be.Totally worth the pain,the injuries and wounds on your own self-imagined image.(?)
I look at my the shattered pieces of my confidence now, as they mock and haunt me, even as I sleep and am desperately trying to draw on every tiny bit of courage I have in me..to try and put them back together...

..One piece at a time.

-i

Post Secret

I have been posting nothing but just post secret post cards in the last whole week... I could say that I am really busy at the moment and blah blah blah... but the truth is that I have not been in the mood to sit and actually write anything..

I have been coming to read all my favorite blogger's blog though...but thats about.. I am pretty sure I will be back to writing soon though and actually write down all that I have been just thinking of writing in my head.. !



















-i

Post Secret.

Elusive Patience!

Today I woke up thinking about 'Patience'. Undoubtedly, one of the hardest thing you can make ME do.

And especially more so, within my relationships....
... or when I am waiting for phone calls too... No hold on...!!
....waiting for the bus too can be soooo excruciating at times!

So,yah I admit- Patience is not my virtue.(Thankfully, there is some certainty to the Bus arriving....eventually.)

For some (silly??) reason, the thing that bugs me no end, is waiting for someone to call me back, after they hang up saying "Ok! I will call you in sometime!". Correct me if I am wrong, but there is still some amount of hopefulness in that sentence....especially when you hear it from someone we really wanna talk to!..aint there?

It was lonnnnnnnng overdue, but I can say that in a way I am learning about patience at my own pace ....and sometimes at some expense.:(

I might have hurt people along the way; gotten into conflict; said things that I shouldnt have; sabotaged self by not hangin in long enough; doubted;counted ...and every thing else that can possibly go wrong, all for the lack of that damn patience!

I cringe inwardly, when I think of certain things that I have done in the past..the unmentionables.

Anyways I still wanna end it one a hopeful not. Optimism! ~IS mt vitrue and one day I will hopefully master the art of Patience. Trust me, I pray for it every single day.
One day, I will be one of the smug people who fold their arms and sit smiling that smile of p.e.a.c.e.. waiting...and waiting...and 'laying low' as they call it in bad times, waiting yet even more...for life to get on their side.

yeah...

YOU pray, that In the meantime, the people around me who love me, are patient enough!!!
:)

-i